The Pain of Death
by Kyouki No Megami
Summary: A story I wrote after the death of my boyfriend to keep my mind busy.


I sat in my bed, staring down at the paper sitting in my lap, the pen in my hands as I began putting it to the paper for what I believe to be the last time. _"I'm sorry to do this to everyone...but I can't take it. The self-pity, the guilt, the questions...the sorrow...the fake smiling...I can't keep this disguise up anymore." _I wrote, tears staining the paper as I signed my name at the bottom. I've been working on this note since he passed. It's only been two days...but it feels like a lifetime. I stood up, holding the paper and walking to my computer, sending all my pictures to the recycling bin. I logged onto one of my many roleplaying Facebook accounts, posting what I think will be my final status. _"I'm sorry, but I can't take it anymore." _It began, before I typed up my entire note...suicide note...onto the status as well, tagging several people in it and finally tagging _him. _In little than five seconds, it was posted.

I walked out of the house and into the woods nearby. It was on the edge of the woods, so everyone would see me in my final moment. My body wouldn't be hard to find, so I wouldn't cause my mother that much worry. I looked up at the noose, standing onto the chair to reach it and slipping my head through it, checking if the noose would hold. Only yesterday did I spray paint _"I'm sorry."_ onto the tree. For someone who's only had two days to decide and prepare, I'd say I did pretty well on this whole set up. I tightened the noose a little, fidgeting with the knot to make sure it'd snap my neck the moment I fell after kicking the chair so it'd be quick. As soon as everything was ready, I took the clothespin and pinned the note to my shirt. I took the deepest breath of my life, and kicked the chair, hearing it fall to the ground with metallic thud...

But I was still alive. Tears ran down my face. "Why...why won't you let me die?" I asked quietly. Below me I heard my answer. _"I can't let you make the same mistake I did. You need to be here. Remember, you promised...since I can't live my life...you'd live it for me...well, how are you supposed to do that hanging from a tree?"_

My eyes flew open as I looked down. There _he_ was, holding me up on _his_shoulders. "How is that...How are you here?" I questioned. There was no logical explanation or scientific reasoning for him being here...holding me on his shoulders.

_"Don't ask me...I've been watching you but I haven't been able to touch you or make contact with you. Only able to influence you...but apparently it hasn't been enough to stop you from doing this. Just, please babe...don't do this...you have so many good things in your life. Don't kill yourself because of me." _He explained.

I must be losing my mind. I mean, did I ever have it to begin with? But I must legit be insane. I heard the crunching of a couple of leaves, and the voices of people familiar. "Hey, let's go break into that old house again." I heard the voice of a boy I recognized as Austin say. The footsteps were getting closer as I heard the next voice. "Man, they sealed the entrance in the back though." Said the voice of another boy I knew, Brendan. I sighed, looking down at Matt. "Please just let me go...it'd be easier to explain my death rather than explain how I'm still alive like this." I pleaded quietly with him.

_"I'm not letting you do it." He_ said, using the most serious tone I had ever heard him use. Soon as he said that, Austin and Brendan walked up onto where I was, seeing me hanging there, but still alive. Could they not see _him_? It seemed like they couldn't.

"Tammy!" Austin yelled, as they both stepped back. "You're...floating...and...you're not dead but you...why?" Austin asked. "Is that really the important thing!? Get that noose off of her neck!" Brendan exclaimed, grabbing the chair I had kicked down and setting it up to reach my neck, as Austin held my arms to make sure I wouldn't resist. As soon as he got the noose off of my neck, I looked down at _him_ while Brendan grabbed my waist to make sure I got down safely, as _he_ moved to the side, letting Brendan handle this.

_"I told you, there are people that care about you."_ He said. I nodded slightly, before looking at Brendan and Austin. "I don't know what happened...I can't remember how I got here." I lied. "I don't know what this is on my shirt..." I added quietly. I always thought I was a bad liar, but I guess not, for they looked like they believed me. "Swear to me you will not mention this to anyone!" I added in a growl, staring at them.

"W-We won't." They agreed. And for the next three or four months, I was fine...It was hard to go about daily tasks, but I managed it. Then it happened... Me and my family got into it worse than ever before. I couldn't take it, I was being blamed for many things. Too many to list...and it ignited the flame of guilt once more. "How about I just leave!?" I remember screaming. "I hope you find me dead on the side of the road...think about it. I was the only one of your children that stayed with you...I'm the only one that was decent. But I guess decent isn't good enough for you!" I shouted, taking my phone and walking out of the house.

Soon enough I could hear the angry voices of my mother and step-dad shouting at me. "Tammy Lynn! Get back here!" Both of them said. It didn't matter to me what they said though. I wanted to leave...just to be left alone. I've never been good at communicating with those two. My friends and _him_ were the only people I could communicate with properly. I could imagine right now, my parents are probably calling the police as I fled into the woods near our house. I decided to head in the woods North. If the police caught me, oh well. I was a dead woman anyways. I'd either die out here alone, or die with my parents yelling and screaming at me.

No one knew it, but on the way out, I had grabbed a small kitchen knife. What I needed it for was beyond me...perhaps I'd use it to kill and skin a rabbit...or for reasons more sinister. But my main plan was to get out of the state, if I could.

**~Timeskip to about a month later since I don't feel like writing that all out~**

My hair was a mess, my clothes smelled terrible, I looked like a hallow skeleton. I haven't killed any animals, simply because I couldn't bring myself to do it. Yet I am able to make these deep scars in my skin, able to watch the blood stain my arms and roll down my sleeves again. I'd been avoiding public places unless they were necessary, since there would certainly be police around there. I managed to get to the border of Canada and America. I had a friend in Canada...perhaps if I could manage to cross the border and get into Canada, I could get to him and he could help me out. I had seen many news reports about me being missing since I left, when I'd casually pass through a cafe for a sip of water at a water fountain. I look completely different than from when I left though. When I left, I looked fine. Now, I swear upon my great-grandpa's grave, I look deader than a door-nail. The only valuable thing I have on me is a diamond ring my grandpa gave me. If it comes to it, I'll pay someone to drive me over the border somehow...

**~Timeskip again, about two weeks after crossing the border~ **

It's spring in Canada, about mid may and about 40 or 60 degrees. I was barely crawling along now. I've been looking for my friend since I crossed the Maine-New Brunswick border and I think I'm close to finding him. I'm quite legit crawling up on his front porch, or what I hope is his porch. I knocked on the door, managing to stand up for the first time in what seemed like forever, my legs shaking violently as the door opened. "Yes?" A woman's voice asked as I looked up at her. "Is Niki here?" I asked. "Why yes but...are you okay my dear?" The woman asked. She had a strong British accent. "Mother, who's at the door?" I heard a voice ask. "Someone for you...help her inside, Niki." I heard her say. That was the last thing I heard as I collapsed into Niki's arms, completely unconscious.

It seemed like in no time before I heard voices again and I felt something cold running through my arm as I flickered my eyes open. "Hn.." I mumbled as I stirred. I began to lift my arm before I felt someone hold my arm down. "Rest. You've been through a lot, haven't you?" An unfamiliar voice said. "Where am I...?" I questioned, as my vision finally focused. "A hospital, don't worry about it kiddo." The doctor said, looking at me. "You were brought in. You're in a pretty bad state. Dehydrated, starving, and you've got a ton of infected cuts. The fact that you're still alive is odd in itself...Ms. Tammy." The doctor said, which made my eyes fly wide open. "You know who I am!?" I exclaimed, looking at the IV in my arm. "Well of course. It's been about five, maybe six months since you left your home in Kentucky. You've been all over the news...even here." He explained. "We'll be transferring you to Kentucky in a week or two." He added quietly.

My eyes widened then. I'd rather be dead than go back. Luckily enough, my cuts were severely infected, so I may not make it. Surely enough, the doctors couldn't help the infection, as it had already gotten into my bloodstream and to my brain, and eventually, I laid down for the last time, breathing my last breath and fading into the dark abyss, awakening into the light and seeing _Matthew_ to greet me once I walk into the pearly gates of heaven. I looked down at my arms and realized, the scars of my past are now gone, and heaven awaits.


End file.
